Terminator Salvation (2009)

22May09

Terminator Salvation IMDB Link

Directed By: McG

Written By: John D. Brancato & Michael Ferris

Starring: Christian Bale, Sam Worthington, Moon Bloodgood

There was a kid born on 1963 in Tokyo Japan. He was a latchkey kid who always found himself alone. Instead of being pressured by Japanese norms he pushed through and started to design video games. This man was Hideo Kojima, and he created the Metal Gear series. Success after success garnered him lots of praise but more importantly he was a clear example of an auteur in the young medium. After several Metal Gear games he wanted to try new things and Konami, the company he worked for was fine with the idea but since they owned the rights to Metal Gear they would make a sequel with or without him. Instead of seeing his baby be raped and pillaged by idiots he decided to scrap his other interests and continue the series and has given us another pantheon classic with MGS 4.

But there is another alternate reality, one in which people make their own fate. In the future, bad video game makers try to take credit for games in which they shouldn’t and in the year 2018, they send the designer of Beverly Hills Bodysnatchers back to 2004, kidnap Kojima and take over the development of MGS 3. Instead of an incredible game with tons of great ideas, incredible moments like the long ladder and just an awesome approach to the series, we instead get a game where Snake is a whiny bitch and it fucking sucks. It’s horrible and Kojima is in the corner crying as he watches his child raped.

In the new alternate reality 2018 the idiots realize their mistake and instead of doing the right thing, which is to stop making Metal Gears without Kojima, they instead send another designer, this time the designer of Korn: Who Then Now? and Charlie’s Angels. Again, they kick off Kojima but this time they put tons of money into it, this time they are going to do it for real they say. Countless fans think “maybe it’ll be as good as MGS2 after that stink bomb MGS3, just maybe” Saliva begins to gather, hopes begin to soar and then players are treated to a PG-13 story-less, brainless just plain bad version of Metal Gear.

The new alternate MGS4 is the game where everyone supposedly gets to see why Snake is so damn important, why the future rests in his hands and yet we don’t see any of that. We see lame sequences with lame underwater snake robots and robot motorcycles that can be killed with simply a rope, as USB wire and typing in “over ride” We see an actually really cool and great homage ruined by the fact that the walking homage is a horrible killer. And we see an end scene that literally makes the whole theater groan. Again Kojima is curled up in a ball naked suckling on his thumb with tears streaming from his eyes.

If James Cameron isn’t writing and directing Terminator then just stop it. Just fucking stop it, please. Don’t send Ron Howard or Guy Ritchie (who for some reason is making Sherlock Holmes into what looks like a super hero movie? Dear god man can I have a mystery movie?! trailer link) or whoever you can think of. You can give it a 1 billion dollar budget and it won’t help. No Cameron, no Terminator. That’s the rule. Just stop it.

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Tags: Hideo Kojima, Metal Gear, movie review, Terminator Salvation