Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen IMDB Link

Directed By: Michael Bay

Written By: Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox

Skip down to the ************* for the two-paragraph review.

I’ve had a general rule of thumb ever since I discovered my love for the celluloid: If critics hate a sci-fi/horror/action movie then chances are high that it will be awesome. Movies that I love not only for entertainment sake but also those that I admire for their craft such as Terminator 2, Starship Troopers, Army of Darkness and The Killer are all met with a wall of disdain, scoffs and phlem spit from critics.

What trash, what drivel, what tripe they all exclaim. Of course no one will ever agree on the merits of what constitutes good art versus bad art and I’m not going to sit here and try to convince you that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the next coming of Citizen Kane. What I will say is that Michael Bay, a director who is hated by many and who I have a love/hate relationship with, has created the ultimate Michael Bay experience.

Here is a man who has an intense eye for framing, camera movement and obsessed with military might and destruction. It almost feels as if his whole career has been leading up to create Transformers: RotF, a movie so outrageous that it could be the pinnacle of Hollywood excess. You could debate if this is good or bad but the fact that it just happened is important. So much of art has to do with experiences, especially in film and I can’t think of one movie that feels anything like Transformers: RotF. The thing with Michael Bay is he is a unique artist and unique artists make unique pieces of art. No one can direct movies like Michael Bay can and no one can deliver Transformers the way Michael Bay just did. How Michael Bay can out Michael Bay himself after Transformers: RotF is beyond me.


Really it comes down to content. Most critics view sci-fi/horror/action as beneath them, genres for idiots that don’t explore other more “important” aspects of life including quiet moments of a dying cancer patient or how an orphan from Ireland learned to love her teddy bear. Something I admire about Transformers: RotF and what Bay has done, besides making a unique albeit brain numbing experience, is that there are no illusions as to what he was trying to accomplish. He rubs your face in the nerve-end sparking imagery of Megan Fox jiggling in slow-mo and robots shooting rockets at each-other with bits of metal and fire flying all over the place. So many other directors would have half-assed the experience trying their hardest to inject some amount of intellectual might into the frame like what we saw in Superman Returns. But in a counter sort of more intelligent move, Bay decided to relish in the ridiculousness of spending that much money on a movie based off a cartoon show that was created to sell toys.

Everything in Transformers: RotF is pure unadulterated subconscious and male desire driven to a point that you could look at it disparagingly on our society or understand that film is one of those outlets in which we can wallow in our filth of desires. What I can’t get over however is how simply this film is being brushed aside by many people in an attempt to somehow boost their own egos and intelligence when in fact the very act of shitting on the movie is perhaps dumber than the movie itself. Transformers is mindless sex and violence you say? What the fuck did you think you were going to get?  More importantly however is, did you think it was even possible to take sex and violence to the Olympian heights that Bay just did?


I would love, no I would relish with glee and a big fucking grin being able to give every single critic out there the reigns to Transformers: RotF. I would hand them the directors chair, the 300 million whatever dollar budget and say “make me a blockbuster” and watch them squirm and sweat trying their hardest to produce anything even close to visceral amalgamation of imagery and sound, the pure assault on your subconscious and senses that Michael Bay just created.

What they would create instead would be a laughable, hilarious and clumsy middle-school play action movie. It would be so atrocious on a simple movie making level that you would cringe in your seat not thinking about “Hey I wonder if Optimus knifes that decepticon in the face” but rather “dear god I hope the boom mic doesn’t pop in the shot because these guys have no idea how to make an action movie” It would be a joke, an utter fucking joke. Imagine the action sequences on a WB sci-fi tv show and then make it worse. That’s what it would be. You can even put scenes from Transformers: RotF next to recent big budget flicks like Wolverine and it makes them look like amateur hour. And while I shit on Wolverine for being dumb it was just more of the same kind of dumb. Transformers: RotF is such a beast of adrenaline and steroids of which I have never seen or thought capable of creating that it’s pure individualism makes it interesting to me.

But what does that matter if critics can’t direct? Of course they can’t create that’s why they are critics but they can still say the movie sucked dick. This is true and I’m in no way saying they are wrong because their qualms do have merit as all the classic elements of cinema are indeed poorly executed. I’ve just always been more interested in experiences and ideas and how critics of film can so easily brush off what Bay just created is confusing. Seriously, name me one movie not directed by Michael Bay that comes anywhere close to feeling like Transformers: RotF. In a strange twist, Michael Bay has taken the idea of what a summer movie is and exploded it with so many explosions that what he created is something unique and entertaining and that is what stands out to me the most.  There are so many movies these days that are formulaic and more of the same shit that I’ve seen before that when Bay comes along and creates something outrageous for even outrageous standards it strikes me as unique. Sometimes a movie doesn’t have to be a Wes Anderson indi-film rip off to be different. It also doesn’t hurt that giant robots duking it out is awesome to me.

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The best way I can describe Transformers: RotF is it’s like cake batter ice cream topped with some chopped nuts, a little bit of sprinkles, hot fudge, peanut butter cups and whipped cream. You won’t talk about it for hours on end dissecting the brilliance of sprinkles and you’ll feel dumb several times from brain freezes but you will remember that big giant sugary fun high you had and you’ll remember enjoying it.

That pile of sugary goodness might not be as good as dinner at a 300 dollar a plate obscure restaurant in east Manhattan with the best chef on the planet but fuck man, sugar and fun are well, fun and I’m not turning down that ice cream just to feel superior. “Fuck that delicious, sugary, oh so sugary ice cream with whipped cream and caramel and chocolate. Fuck it. Fuck a unique sugar high experience” is a phrase you will never hear me utter.


Moon (2009)

25Jun09

Moon IMDB Link

Directed By: Duncan Jones

Written By: Nathan Parker

Starring: Sam Rockwell

Moon is a sci-fi thriller from David Bowie’s son Duncan Jones. It’s very sparse and moody touching on all types of interesting sci-fi ideas concerning human existence. You read something like that and notice how much the film looks like 2001: A Space Odyssey and could come the conclusion that it is perhaps just a bootleg rip off the the Kubrick classic but that just isn’t the case.

I think the similar imagery and talking computer are not only used because of how 2001 almost created a standard film vocabulary for shooting space but also because it makes you comfortable while Jones explore other harder to grip ideas. Instead of wasting time trying to explain the specific space of this specific sci-fi universe, he instead injects familiarity into the air allowing you to relax and concentrate on what’s more important in the movie.


Sam Rockwell does an incredible job acting in the movie and is a major reason why this film is such a success. The whole movie is Sam Rockwell in space and the consistency and portrayal of his character helps you to dissect the situation. You become absorbed into his characters world, curious and discovering what exactly is going on and how Duncan Jones slowly peels the layers off makes for a very rich experience. I’ve almost forgotten that the title is Moon and will probably be remember it by as Rockwell in Space

Rockwell in Space or Moon is a great sci-fi thriller which is also layered by my boy Clint Mansel (Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain) who does the soundtrack. It’s interesting, thought provoking, visually striking and definitely worth checking out.


Drag Me to Hell IMDB Link

Directed By: Sam Raimi

Written By: Sam Raimi & Ivan Raimi

Starring: Alison Lohman, Justin Long

At the peak of the American horror movie genre crumbling into a state of derivative blandness where “a creepy kid sings a lullaby, it’s creepy right?” to “let’s remake Japanese horror movies but take out the parts that made them awesome” Sam Raimi comes out of horror movie retirement and punches a big giant comical hand through the genre spraying awesome-nasty all over the place.

I really can’t get over just how refreshing Drag Me to Hell is. Before the movie ran I was getting depressed watching previews. Read these titles and tell me if either of these future horror movies draws any excitement: Orphan and Sorority Row. Then Sam Raimi slapped me across the face with my own hand (which he just cut off with scissors) and brought me back into his world where one upping the ridiculousness, hilarity, and sick awesome perversity called horror comedy is king.


Smiling the whole time, you will be treated to all sorts moments where you’ll squirm in your seat but giggle uncontrollably and then your giggles will turn into ghosts singing the McD’s special sauce song while gnawing at your organs. Well maybe not but you could imagine a scene like that and see how it would be funny and if you can’t, then fuck you, your the reason the american horror movie genre sucks.

What’s great is knowing 30 years from now, some college kid will see a Drag Me to Hell holographic disc (that’s DVD in the future) in a kids room and think “This kid likes ‘Drag Me to Hell’? He’s a-ok in my book” and they’ll go space bounding on the moon together reminiscing on and quoting the hilarity. Don’t let the douchery of Mac or the PG-13 label hold you back. If you love horror comedy, do yourself a favor and catch this flick.


Up (2009)

05Jun09

Up IMDB Link

Directed By: Pete Docter

Written By: Bob Peterson

Starring: Edward Asner

There is a fine line between a movie like Up and movies like Johnny Tsunami and Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook-Off. If you are at all aware of those made for TV Disney movies you are screaming at me right now “How dare you? How dare you put Pixar next to that trash?” No, I’m not writing a negative review just to be “that guy” to get attention, quite the opposite actually.

I brought up Chaplin in my review for Wall-E and I’m bringing him up again. Charlie Chaplin is an often forgotten amazing cinematic auteur. He not only produced, wrote and directed his movies, he also acted, edited and composed the soundtrack. What’s even more forgotten is how he had a very classic Walt Disney-esque approach to cinema where he would labor over his project, tweak them over and over until they were perfection. Why do people usually forget his incredible artistry? Aside from his character being so powerful and over riding any thoughts of creativity I think it’s just his ability to make you not think about it.

Like Walt and Chaplin, Pixar has a philosophy of film making that if you can see them behind the camera then they aren’t doing their job correctly; no superfluous scenes, nothing that’s not needed will be added, and always build the story and keep the audience engaged. But then why with all this adoration must you compare Up to Johnny Tsunami and Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook-Off? Maybe it’s  because I’ve been soaking myself in the NBA Playoff’s but execution is something that can never be over looked. The difference between a team advancing over one going home can be as little as keeping your hands up while guarding.

If I wanted to be a dick I could break down Up’s story into a childish version of Gran Torino. Old grizzled man whose wife could never bear a child meets young Asian boy who has no father and they go on an adventure in South America where they learn to love one another and learn about life. But you can make anything sound cheap. The difference is movies like Johnny Tsunami and Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook-Off are executed so poorly that they lose you, you see the cheese seeping through and it doesn’t work because of it and they come off as cheap.

But in a Pixar film, you’ll be shown a medium shot where a character sits down, then notice a painting in the background building on his character, then realize the shot was really so you could see something through the window in the background building story, then the thing in the background will do something wacky and make you laugh all in a single medium shot that lasts for about 20 seconds and is filled with gorgeous art, lighting, style and great acting. This type of incredibly well executed cinema is exactly what separates the cheap from the incredible and Pixar is masterful at it.

Again in Up, the intro on paper could probably be read as cheesy but the execution is so good that within 20 minutes you have a big lump in your throat over computer generated character’s. Look around, you’ll see grown men with tears in their eyes. You are invested and that’s the key. With that sort of emotional investment brought on by the perfectionist attitude of Pixar, the rest of the film feels that much more important. Be not afraid, Up is no Johnny Tsunami or Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook-Off, it’s a beautiful and well executed film that will be added next to the long line of classics from Pixar and somewhere you know Walt Disney and Charles Chaplin are loving Pixar for continuing their philosophy of cinema.


X-Men Origins: Wolverine IMDB Link

Directed By:  Gavin Hood

Written By: David Benioff & Skip Woods

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston

I think we all could tell before seeing X-Men Origins: Wolverine that it was a C-level comic book movie, especially after we were all treated to The Dark Knight which wasn’t built on action but rather intense drama from the characters and story. So instead of pulling a Wolverine and enhancing the dumb lets just point out the dumb.


Why did they use CGI for his claws in the bathroom? Couldn’t they tell that it looked like some 1994 CGI?

Why did Striker send Agent Zero to kill Wolverine only to reveal after Agent Zero dies that he has adamantium bullets, you know, the kind of bullets that can actually kill Wolverine? Did I mention Agent Zero has sick aim? Ugh.

What were certain characters mutant powers? I couldn’t tell half of them because it seemed like they all had the ability to run wicked fast, climb walls, jump 40 feet in the air and land like a ninja.

Will i Am-never mind. Too easy.

How did Striker have 2020 computer technology in the 80’s? And did they really expect us not to snicker when he was controlling Deadpool like a 1980’s text based computer adventure game? “Walk towards Wolverine” “Decapitate” “Congratulations Striker, you win!” *beep boop*

Let’s bring up a line of dialogue that I will not enhance for comedic value. You decide how funny it was. “Back to back!”

Why did Gambit go from having a New Orleans accent to a Texan accent to having no accent? And when did Gambit’s mutant ability involve being able to float cards and launch them with some sort of telekinesis? And why did they have to introduce him and then ruin him? And why…forget it.

How about when Striker picks up the adamantium bullets and proclaims “I will wipe his memory” instead of “I’m going to kill him”

I think we all can agree that the better ending would have been Wolverine in an explosion only to walk out with no skin and only his adamantium with the Terminator drum music thumping followed by Optimus Prime duking it out with him on Venus in the 3rd alternate worm hole reality of 3018. That would have been at least a little less dumb.


Star Trek IMDB Link

Directed By:  J.J. Abrams

Written By:  Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman

Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto

Star Trek is back and for the first time it’s kind of cool or at least it’s ok to see the movie and tell a girl about it. Heck I bet a lot of dates probably went to see Star Trek and then actually had real life non-virtual sex afterward.

There are lots of lens flares (I’m convinced Abrams got the idea from Mass Effect) a Mac store looking bridge and an abundance of intensity. Like most things J.J. Abrams, intensity is the key. He again balances really nerdy ideas without alienating the normies and it looks like he’s got a hit on his hands.


I gotta say I’m impressed with the writers and how they brought back Star Trek. Not only did they bring it back and include a classical Star Trek sci-fi-ey idea of time travel but how they introduced it allows people to reminisce on the character’s nostalgically and at the same time it gives the writers freedom for sequels with new story lines in their alternate universe. Also, the nerds can’t bitch and moan because it’s a new time line. The writers solved a lot of franchise rebooting problem’s with this film.

There are lots of action sequences, quirky characters, an interesting dynamic between Spock and Kirk, green alien girls, tons of fan service and a smattering of laughs. It’s a classic summer blockbuster. I could have done without the chase sequences that were mostly compromised of zero drama and lots of loud music and sounds and the exploding bit to get out of the black hole at the end was a bit on the dumb side.


But why was Tyler Perry from Tyler Perry’s House of Pain and Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns Tyler Perry in the movie? I haven’t seen that many people raise an eyebrow since Kumar was in Superman. “Was that Tyler Perry?” “Is that admiral guy Tyler Perry?” “Maybe we should leave because Tyler Perry’s House of Pain is about to start”

All in all this was a lot of fun and a great time. It’s one of those “family” films. I don’t mean that it’s a Disney movie but lets say your uncomfortably killing time with your parents you could take them to Star Trek and everyone would be entertained. Terminator on the other hand…


Terminator Salvation IMDB Link

Directed By: McG

Written By: John D. Brancato & Michael Ferris

Starring: Christian Bale, Sam Worthington, Moon Bloodgood

There was a kid born on 1963 in Tokyo Japan. He was a latchkey kid who always found himself alone. Instead of being pressured by Japanese norms he pushed through and started to design video games. This man was Hideo Kojima, and he created the Metal Gear series. Success after success garnered him lots of praise but more importantly he was a clear example of an auteur in the young medium. After several Metal Gear games he wanted to try new things and Konami, the company he worked for was fine with the idea but since they owned the rights to Metal Gear they would make a sequel with or without him. Instead of seeing his baby be raped and pillaged by idiots he decided to scrap his other interests and continue the series and has given us another pantheon classic with MGS 4.


But there is another alternate reality, one in which people make their own fate. In the future, bad video game makers try to take credit for games in which they shouldn’t and in the year 2018, they send the designer of Beverly Hills Bodysnatchers back to 2004, kidnap Kojima and take over the development of MGS 3. Instead of an incredible game with tons of great ideas, incredible moments like the long ladder and just an awesome approach to the series, we instead get a game where Snake is a whiny bitch and it fucking sucks. It’s horrible and Kojima is in the corner crying as he watches his child raped.

In the new alternate reality 2018 the idiots realize their mistake and instead of doing the right thing, which is to stop making Metal Gears without Kojima, they instead send another designer, this time the designer of Korn: Who Then Now? and Charlie’s Angels. Again, they kick off Kojima but this time they put tons of money into it, this time they are going to do it for real they say. Countless fans think “maybe it’ll be as good as MGS2 after that stink bomb MGS3, just maybe” Saliva begins to gather, hopes begin to soar and then players are treated to a PG-13 story-less, brainless just plain bad version of Metal Gear.


The new alternate MGS4 is the game where everyone supposedly gets to see why Snake is so damn important, why the future rests in his hands and yet we don’t see any of that. We see lame sequences with lame underwater snake robots and robot motorcycles that can be killed with simply a rope, as USB wire and typing in “over ride” We see an actually really cool and great homage ruined by the fact that the walking homage is a horrible killer. And we see an end scene that literally makes the whole theater groan. Again Kojima is curled up in a ball naked suckling on his thumb with tears streaming from his eyes.

If James Cameron isn’t writing and directing Terminator then just stop it. Just fucking stop it, please. Don’t send Ron Howard or Guy Ritchie (who for some reason is making Sherlock Holmes into what looks like a super hero movie? Dear god man can I have a mystery movie?! trailer link) or whoever you can think of. You can give it a 1 billion dollar budget and it won’t help. No Cameron, no Terminator. That’s the rule. Just stop it.


Erin Brokovich IMDB Link

Directed By:Steven Soderbergh

Written By:Susannah Grant

Starring:Julia Roberts

There is a certain plot device/story element that never works in a movie and yet is used over and over countless times; I like to call it the “nesting story-line” and it drives me absolutely bat shit insane.

Imagine there is a film titled Charles Barkley Saves the Galaxy From Eunuch Aliens. You go in with certain expectations of that film, more notably that Charles Barkley will be in it and eunuch aliens will be threatening the galaxy. We meet Sir Charles and find out that he holds the key to saving the entire galaxy and if he doesn’t succeed then everyone in the galaxy will die a horrible death. How does he save the galaxy from the terrible eunuch alien empire? Well by saying “just…just turrible” the way only Sir Charles can say it. With his trusty sidekick Kenny the Jet they go around killing these eunuch aliens and it’s awesome, it’s everything you wanted the movie to be until the “nesting story-line” rears it’s ugly head.


For some reason, the screenwriter of Charles Barkley Saves the Galaxy From Eunuch Aliens decided that a third of the movie should be devoted not to Charles Barkley or the eunuch aliens but rather his whiny wife and kids. Not one scene or two, no, you the viewer will be subjected to a third of movie where the wife and kid complain that Charles just isn’t spending enough time at home with lots of emo tears and slamming doors cause god dammit, saving the galaxy just isn’t important enough.

This shit never works. Ever. All it is is extremely and incredibly annoying. Everyone in the audience is yelling out “listen you whiny bitches, if he doesn’t save the galaxy everyone will die. He can miss one birthday goddammit. And when did I sign up for this? I wanted to watch Charles Barkley Saves the Galaxy from Eunuch Aliens to see Charles Barkley own eunuch aliens and save the mother fucking galaxy. I didn’t buy a ticket to Charles Barkley Saves the Galaxy Until His Whiny Baby Family Members Complain Like the Whiny Little Bitches They Are

I want you to think back on how many movies were ruined by this “nesting story-line” and ask yourself why they put this in. Some might think I’m being insensitive and not in tune with women and kids which brings me to Erin Brokovich. This film is about Erin Brokovich, a real life woman with no law background who finds out the big bad corporation is ruining people’s lives and stands up to them and wins. People are aware of the Erin Brokovich story because she’s just so darn sassy and fun to watch.

Now, the film has the “nesting story-line” but the genders are reversed. Did I still hate it even though it was a man staying at home and not a woman? Fuck. Yes. Let me say that again. Fuck. Yes. I do not care about Aaron Eckhart and Erin’s whiny little bitch kids complaining about mommy. You know why? I came to see a movie about someone interesting and extraordinary achieve something that matters, not some whiny biker boyfriend and bitch little kid complaning like every other whiny biker boyfriend and bitch little kid on the planet.

The “nesting story-line” has to go, seriously. It’s so bad that if I were ever given the opportunity to produce or direct anything of significance it would always be on my mind as a “never do this, never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever”

By the way, I would totally see Charles Barkley Saves the Galaxy from Eunuch Aliens


Watchmen IMDB Link

Directed By: Zack Snyder

Written By: David Hayter & Alex Tse

Starring: Billy Crudup, Malin Akerman, Matthew Goode, Jackie Earle Haley, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Patrick Wilson

Random thoughts on Watchmen:

I thought it was incredible but normal people (or norms) will hate and possibly despise it.

Was it a good movie? I don’t know, probably not but I got what I wanted.

Yes, you see Dr. Manhatten’s penis.

Yes, there will be some idiot who laughs every time it’s on screen.

The actors really nailed their parts.

I wish it was 12 hours long.

The ending will be the heated subject of debate amongst nerds for a long long time.

They did a really good job of capturing the tone of specific scenes.

It was what I wanted it to be, a complete and loyal retelling of Alan Moore’s comic with a shit ton of cash and quality talent.

Loved the Dr. Manhatten section as it was my favorite chapter in the book next to Roarschach’s but again, I just wish it was longer and had everything.

Great flow even without the glue of the novel (the newstand/news) But then again I could see it having horrid pacing if you were unaware of the plot.

Yes, Malin Akerman gets naked.

Malin Akerman has kind of a funky jaw. Something is off.

Will people who didn’t read the comic be able to follow the story or even be able to stomach it?

I really need to know how a norm who hasn’t read the comic felt about it.

Yeah, I really hope there is like  a 12 hour DVD release…


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button IMDB Link

Directed By: David Fincher

Written By: Eric Roth

Starring: Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett

I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button a while ago and like most people I really had no reaction to it. Normally people have at least one thing to say about a movie but whenever I ask someone what they thought of Button they inevitably just shrug. The film is basically like brain surgery gone right. The fact that you can even do brain surgery is incredible and you need to nail all the steps along the way but in the end it is what it is, surgery. It’s sterile, regimented and empty of any kind of emotion.


There was a video floating around pointing out the fact that Button is just a remake of Forrest Gump and the accusation is completely warranted as they are quite similar and after all, the same screenwriter wrote both. But the major difference between the two is Forrest Gump made you feel something and the character’s “strangeness” actually had a purpose to the storytelling. Whether it was the fact that he was too “dumb” to understand racism or the complexities of the Vietnam War, Gump would always break life down into simple terms which not only made it quirky but gave us a unique perspective on world events. With Button, I didn’t really understand how his growing up backwards did for any for the film. In fact, the majority of the film takes place when they are the same age so it sort of negates the moments of awe.


On top of that, his complete passiveness as a character made things even worse. He rarely talks, reacts or expresses anything. He’s just there, just like the film is just there. But where do you put the blame? I mean the directing is well done, the cinematography is phenomenal, the special effects amazing and there is great acting. It’s just one of those films where all the components are done extremely well but what it amounts to is something that isn’t something. It’s just there.

Like I said, I think the directing was really well done and I’ve been a big fan of Fincher for a while but part of me thinks that perhaps this film could have been better if a different director were in charge. Fincher is a very calculating director whose films all have an edge and I’m not sure he was very well suited for a film like this just like I don’t think Kubrick would have been great for any heart warming tale like Forrest Gump.

And that’s all I have to say about that.